Thursday, February 07, 2002
At work today when I definitely shouldn't be. Still feeling like dog shit. And then when I came in, my new boss, Jimmy (also known as Otis Teef) says to me: "You should not have come in today." FUCKING GREAT. Cuz I DID come in today. But whatever, must make the best of it while I am here.
I had this dream last night about Winfield's move to Germany. Except in the dream, I was the one who had to get on to a plane and leave. And I was terrified and didn't want to go. It was really bizarre. Especially since I ain't goin anywhere. And he is leaving for so long. I get these slight panic attacks at times when I really comprehend him leaving. Makes me want to puke, kill someone, or kill myself. I know it has to happen and no matter how I feel about it, I just have to suck it up and get ready. Two days left. ugh.
This weekend, Penelope has invited Kelly, Rita and I to a party. It is a Friday night "I hate Valentine's Day" party. I don't really hate V-Day. Cuz I have a boyfriend. However, I remember absolutely despising it when I didn't have one, so I don't mind supporting my friends that are alone. And I am definitely NOT one of those people that blame Hallmark for creating the holiday as a marketing strategy. In my opinion, the only people that believe in this theory are people that have no one.
Paul is supposed to come visit again next week. His birthday is actually ON Valentine's Day. Weird. It will be so great if he decides to come. We haven't spoken for more than 10 cumulative minutes since he left last week. That is fine. I am actually doing really well with it. I wish he could be a lot more supportive about my bro leaving, but I know for a fact now that Paul isn't going to ever become my support system. There was a time when I wanted him to be my everything. I wanted to cry to him, laugh with him, yell at him, and just plain open up to him. But now I understand that there are certain things that he will never be able to give to me. I don't know if I am okay with this now, cuz deep down I may be slowly getting over him, or I have just given up on him. Either way it ain't so pretty. Or maybe I am just in a good place with him. I am confused. Do I want him to move to NYC to be with me? Do I want to be committed as much as I say I do?
He just sent me a text message that said how lonely he is without me...and that makes me stop for a second and wonder what I am doing here. WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP???
I had this dream last night about Winfield's move to Germany. Except in the dream, I was the one who had to get on to a plane and leave. And I was terrified and didn't want to go. It was really bizarre. Especially since I ain't goin anywhere. And he is leaving for so long. I get these slight panic attacks at times when I really comprehend him leaving. Makes me want to puke, kill someone, or kill myself. I know it has to happen and no matter how I feel about it, I just have to suck it up and get ready. Two days left. ugh.
This weekend, Penelope has invited Kelly, Rita and I to a party. It is a Friday night "I hate Valentine's Day" party. I don't really hate V-Day. Cuz I have a boyfriend. However, I remember absolutely despising it when I didn't have one, so I don't mind supporting my friends that are alone. And I am definitely NOT one of those people that blame Hallmark for creating the holiday as a marketing strategy. In my opinion, the only people that believe in this theory are people that have no one.
Paul is supposed to come visit again next week. His birthday is actually ON Valentine's Day. Weird. It will be so great if he decides to come. We haven't spoken for more than 10 cumulative minutes since he left last week. That is fine. I am actually doing really well with it. I wish he could be a lot more supportive about my bro leaving, but I know for a fact now that Paul isn't going to ever become my support system. There was a time when I wanted him to be my everything. I wanted to cry to him, laugh with him, yell at him, and just plain open up to him. But now I understand that there are certain things that he will never be able to give to me. I don't know if I am okay with this now, cuz deep down I may be slowly getting over him, or I have just given up on him. Either way it ain't so pretty. Or maybe I am just in a good place with him. I am confused. Do I want him to move to NYC to be with me? Do I want to be committed as much as I say I do?
He just sent me a text message that said how lonely he is without me...and that makes me stop for a second and wonder what I am doing here. WHAT AM I DOING WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP???
